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My Secret Journal Continues

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The Real Cat

My Secret Journal Continues

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The Real Cat
As soon as I start feeling like things are ok, something steps on me. It'sprobably minor, but the 15 out of 25 on the Chorus Essay stung me a bit.

I guess I didn't "follow the format" as she said was required. I take responsibility for it though, and I'm not going to fight it.

Why do things have to be rough? This should be a happy time, only 5 days left of highschool, holidays approaching.

I'm keeping my money on hoping that once I move out and get settled in Marshall, things start easing up. I'm sure I'll have work in class and stresses involved with that no doubt, but I'm hoping stuff falls into place. It has to. I don't know what I'll do if things don't.

Recently I've been plaing passive agressive cruelty towards Travis. I am jealous of his relationship, I'm not going to lie. But most of the sting is gone now thank the stars.

Sometimes I think, that when I get to the end of stuff, death would be great. An ending deserves an actual ending, right? My story is my story alone whether I affect other lives or not. No one is close to me, and I don't see that closeness ever occurring. I'm selfish, I'm vain, and rather b!tchy to those I'm close to now I've noticed. I'm great at being a friend, but horrid with personal stuff.

Well, I'm going to be thinking about a lot more as these last days come and go. And perhaps when they are through, I will spend a lot of time sleeping, lamenting, and moping.

Why does Travis say he wants to help me, when he's not willing to do what it takes? Why does he say he would love to be mine, when it's not what he needs or wants. (Main point here: He wants to be fem and have a manly lover if it is male, and wants to be bottom. That's what I want, too, so obvious problems are present.)

Why did Geoff suddenly start talking to me again? I would think he'd at least have some idea that I harbour depressive feelings and thoughts toward and about him. He goes and tells me "I guess I'm single again for the first time in years," as if I care. I do, but I don't like the feeling of him not caring.

I still hold love and things related to it in a rather stingy depressive way. No one out of my people has shown me anything but regret. I've gotten lots of depression, upsetness, and jealousy instead. Not to mention heightened self-conciousness.

One life... so many thoughts...
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