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sihnnik_uhll

It's been a very long time...

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The Real Cat
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sihnnik_uhll

It's been a very long time...

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The Real Cat
It has been a long time since I've posted in this hidden journal. The only connection it has to anybody is through my main journal.

I feel so alone right now... my emotions are evening out, but that sadness I don't really expect to go away completely... it will always linger.

You could say my heart sank deep after Benjamin... and Caleb was just a distraction... a place I could warm my cold heart by the fire.

That fire was very warm... but I knew it wouldn't last forever, because my heart was only thinking of being somewhere else. It needed comfort. I really did try to give my heart to it, but after Caleb broke up with me the first time, (though a day or so later we were back together), I did not feel very much the same.

I'm trying to get back out there, be availible. But people usually take limited interest in me (or none at all). It's not that I really don't try. I know these things take time, and my heart does, too. It doesn't want to be exploited, it wants to be loved.

Maybe in awhile I'll be able to just throw it all to the birds and get out there completely.

Though I feel for Ben still... I am afraid to put my heart through the torment again. He hasn't responded back to me in weeks, and it's usually weeks at a time that I ever hear from him.

I guess, this is part of why I'm leaving Marshall. I want something real, I grow weary of shouting from this desolate, lonely land. How will I ever find love or be heard from here?

The deep genuine beauty of this land, it's blessed tranquility... it is all that is here. Though many that reside here are very happy, what lies here for me is loneliness. My own roommate is not very happy in this town, he's gone all the time working, visiting friends and family, and going to the cities.

I... I'm scared of growing old and weary and alone.

(sighs)

I will heal soon. I will be ok. I will find love out there... somewhere.
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