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The Real Cat



March 6th, 2008

Feeling small.

The Real Cat
I'm really not sure how my love-life should be going at this point.

I don't want to be alone anymore, but it seems like when I start getting attached to someone, things just don't go right. I haven't had anymore boyfriends since Caleb, though a few interests have popped up.

It's tough to say at this point if I'm going to run into much more luck. I guess I'll keep trying to find someone, but I may just end up with a long list of "good friends" and not one lover out of the whole deal.

Most of my clothes are packed, I just have to pack my toiletries, then take all my stuff out to my car, fill it up with gas, get some sodas, drive it back here, and then once I'm done with my last class tomorrow, just go out to my car and drive away.

March 1st, 2008

It has been a long time since I've posted in this hidden journal. The only connection it has to anybody is through my main journal.

I feel so alone right now... my emotions are evening out, but that sadness I don't really expect to go away completely... it will always linger.

You could say my heart sank deep after Benjamin... and Caleb was just a distraction... a place I could warm my cold heart by the fire.

That fire was very warm... but I knew it wouldn't last forever, because my heart was only thinking of being somewhere else. It needed comfort. I really did try to give my heart to it, but after Caleb broke up with me the first time, (though a day or so later we were back together), I did not feel very much the same.

I'm trying to get back out there, be availible. But people usually take limited interest in me (or none at all). It's not that I really don't try. I know these things take time, and my heart does, too. It doesn't want to be exploited, it wants to be loved.

Maybe in awhile I'll be able to just throw it all to the birds and get out there completely.

Though I feel for Ben still... I am afraid to put my heart through the torment again. He hasn't responded back to me in weeks, and it's usually weeks at a time that I ever hear from him.

I guess, this is part of why I'm leaving Marshall. I want something real, I grow weary of shouting from this desolate, lonely land. How will I ever find love or be heard from here?

The deep genuine beauty of this land, it's blessed tranquility... it is all that is here. Though many that reside here are very happy, what lies here for me is loneliness. My own roommate is not very happy in this town, he's gone all the time working, visiting friends and family, and going to the cities.

I... I'm scared of growing old and weary and alone.


I will heal soon. I will be ok. I will find love out there... somewhere.

July 1st, 2007

Uh oh...

The Real Cat
Two wonderful men... both love me right now. I promised myself to one... and now within an hour afterwards, the other wants me.

Can Indigo and I, Sihnnik, utilize our manipulation to suade Travis out of his infatuation, or did I go too far with his heart to turn him around?

We must work to find a solution... quickly, before another heart is broken.

June 28th, 2007

To this I pray...

The Real Cat
May the beauty of relationships and love never die and never cease, may what goes on in their hearts continue forever more. No matter what kind of relationship, very intimate close friends, lovers, married couples, aquaintences, and people who just like to be together...

...may all their glows and warmths be forever caressed and not a single blow struck to cause harm.

To this I pray.

June 27th, 2007

Indigo and I have been feeling really distraught lately. It's no wonder we want out of here so much.

I, Sihnnik, have been working on keeping Indigo ok. We managed to survive a spill with Geoff, who we finally figured out has the last name of Hamilton.

What a chuckle. It shines with his intelligence, but shows none of his personality. We laughed when we saw it.

Men just seem to be popping up and as unright in every direction.

Palagran, Geoff, Travis, a guy from the East Coast... I can't tell which one of us it is, but one of us has been having a major want to start cutting. Thankfully, we haven't embarked on that.

If only we could rid ourselves of these lusts, loves, desires, and all the things that cause so much pain.

Palagran talks about it as if we have tons of control over it. Geoff is an asshole, and it took a lot to admit to him that he was right. It was the right thing to do in the end, though. He sent an e-mail in response to Indigo's apology. We aren't going to look at it tonight... we may even wait a few days before reading it.

I'm scared for us both. Though I feel we are fused as one, I am trying to come to an understanding of just which parts of Danforth are me, and the other Indigo.

Maybe someday this thing we call our body will drift to an endless sleep of peace and lullaby.

The constant threat that we are really a female soul is scary. Or if not female, not male.

...sigh...(looks down)

Men may never be "really" interested in us. At least not in the way we want. As we don our eye-liner, shadow, mascara, and foundation, we go out into the world, attempting to show ourselves in a happy state.

February 15th, 2007

It's a tough moment.

The Real Cat
It's bee a long long time since I, Sihnnik, have said anything within the confines of the deeper journal, but the time has come for me to speak for Indigo.

The lineage has revealed a new crush... and a new disappointment.

Manuel Santana. Dulcimer by LJ name.

So many wonderful things about this glorious man... just the right age, too.

Just now... he's decided he wants the more of a boy and the less of the man. No daredevil big guy with ego, but the shorter, skinny, quieter boy whom he can love and take care of.

What's worse... is that he wasn't into frisky stuff with the big guys. With the little guys, he admits he is...............

...God... you don't even know the pain Indigo endured reading that.

He wants a smaller guy, one whom he can take care of and be dom to. He used to think he wanted to be sub, but now he doesn't like it at all. He wants to be dom and take care of his lover, his little loverboy.

My height and weight, I had always known, but never expected to actually be hurt by, are a huge huge huge reason for my being alone. The reason for it being painful with Manuel... is because he is 5'8". You all know I am nearly 6'0", just under it at 5'11".

At least our parents are coming to visit tomorrow, though they won't know of these inner conflicts... at least some love, familiarity, and hugs will come around.

We need it so much.

I hate being alone.

Indigo hates being alone.

We hate being alone.

What is our purpose for this... why must we face this pain, for what?

December 12th, 2006

My Secret Journal Continues

The Real Cat
As soon as I start feeling like things are ok, something steps on me. It'sprobably minor, but the 15 out of 25 on the Chorus Essay stung me a bit.

I guess I didn't "follow the format" as she said was required. I take responsibility for it though, and I'm not going to fight it.

Why do things have to be rough? This should be a happy time, only 5 days left of highschool, holidays approaching.

I'm keeping my money on hoping that once I move out and get settled in Marshall, things start easing up. I'm sure I'll have work in class and stresses involved with that no doubt, but I'm hoping stuff falls into place. It has to. I don't know what I'll do if things don't.

Recently I've been plaing passive agressive cruelty towards Travis. I am jealous of his relationship, I'm not going to lie. But most of the sting is gone now thank the stars.

Sometimes I think, that when I get to the end of stuff, death would be great. An ending deserves an actual ending, right? My story is my story alone whether I affect other lives or not. No one is close to me, and I don't see that closeness ever occurring. I'm selfish, I'm vain, and rather b!tchy to those I'm close to now I've noticed. I'm great at being a friend, but horrid with personal stuff.

Well, I'm going to be thinking about a lot more as these last days come and go. And perhaps when they are through, I will spend a lot of time sleeping, lamenting, and moping.

Why does Travis say he wants to help me, when he's not willing to do what it takes? Why does he say he would love to be mine, when it's not what he needs or wants. (Main point here: He wants to be fem and have a manly lover if it is male, and wants to be bottom. That's what I want, too, so obvious problems are present.)

Why did Geoff suddenly start talking to me again? I would think he'd at least have some idea that I harbour depressive feelings and thoughts toward and about him. He goes and tells me "I guess I'm single again for the first time in years," as if I care. I do, but I don't like the feeling of him not caring.

I still hold love and things related to it in a rather stingy depressive way. No one out of my people has shown me anything but regret. I've gotten lots of depression, upsetness, and jealousy instead. Not to mention heightened self-conciousness.

One life... so many thoughts...

December 6th, 2006

Travis Price...

The Real Cat
Do I love him or not?

...more important, does he love me?

Life is too confusing in love, and his existence is not making it any easier! And if he ceases to exist in, it'll make it harder yet.

December 5th, 2006

Behind in Class

The Real Cat
So here I am, trying to finish putting together the answers from my notes for the Government Test # 6 that I missed last week. Not to mention I have three assignments in that class that I SHOULD be handing in today, but may only hand in one.

And being sick and out of school yesterday doesn't help. Now, I have to check up on both Algebra I and Drama I classwork and homework, and attempt to figure out the work in Adv. CP Chemistry as well.

Thank heavens I only have 10 days of highschool left after today. If I miss a few things in a class or two at this point, it won't be too big of a deal. Right now, I should focus energies towards the following:

-Adv. CP Chemistry: It's my hardest class, and my lowest grade (though still a decent grade)

-American Government: I'm quite behind in this class, and need to get caught up.

-Semester Project for Drama I: This is the only actual Semester "Test" I am required to do. I have one in Crafts class, but we are doing that one completely in class, so it's no sweat.

I need to get on the ball.

November 29th, 2006

Good Tidings, Bad Tidings

The Real Cat
A few people in my SRB have asked me for my Senior Pictures. It's comforting actually.

Though I am well aware, that my "friends" don't always tell me how they feel about stuff until I take them over the edge.

That happened with Kayla and Laura. Though Kayla didn't exactly express "anger" she reminded me I need to talk less, and be less in depth. Laura and I continue to be at odds over the phone. I'm actually sad to admit this, but I dread calls from her, because I know what's going to happen.

Sunfire and Sunearth seem to have trouble with me most. Capricorns, Arians, Taurians and Leos seem to be troublesome for me most.

Capricorns: Kebbe (schoolmate friend), Geoff (online), Vicky (little sister)
Arians: Jocinda (friend), Amanda (online and camp friend)
Taurians: Both of my parents, moreso my father, my mom's sisters a bit too
Leos: Adrienne (older sister), Laura (schoolmate friend)

I do have one Aries friend (Palagran). Our contact is semi-limited, but I think a lot of our friendship has to do with how much we have in common. I admit, I'm afraid to get under his skin though, I like him a lot and it's not often you find someone like him, though we relate a lot, we have some extremes in difference.

I do have a few exceptions to each category, but it could be because I haven't gotten too close to them. In my family, my older sister and myself were the oddballs. My little sister and parents are all Sunearths, while my other sister was a Sunfire, and I am a Sunair. Fire and Air are supposed to be ok with each other. We are... but I don't think I could ever live exactly in harmony with my sister. We've got ups and downs.

My best bets are on other Sunairs and one or two Sunwaters. I seem to handle my Sunwater friends ok. Granted, there are times I get a bit annoyed, but I adore their ability to feel and cherish love and care. Take Ryan and Markee for example. I have yet to see Ryan renounce a friend despite his disagreeance with many of them, and Markee can hate a bit, but she'll be kind when she has, too, so long as you respect her.

Of all my friends, I think Markee (and maybe Jamie) has accepted it the most. Jocinda does pretty well, but we get at odds on occassion. There will come a time though, when I have to let friends go.

Being homosexual, I ruin the "idealistic" goal of most people. I may never have a family of my own, may be more scandalous and feminine, et cetera. I hope to find fellow homosexual friends long before then, so the transition is easier. My sister even accepted my homosexuality (but still always critical), but now I've gotten examples of her indifference to her homosexual friends and myself... now that she's married.

I think I'd better stop here. I've gotten most of the thoughts out, and Indigo's journal will be inactive for awhile. (which may boost this journal's activism)

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