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The Real Cat



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November 22nd, 2006


The Real Cat
It feels good now that I've started a second journal. Granted, I don't use it much, but it is great if I really want to post about something deep and big that I know isn't being judged, read, or analyzed by others.

I was thinking over the lunch period and Drama I class that I had to post-pone this entry. If I were to invite people into this journal, what would keep me from keeping on making more and the general continuation of having certain things kept completely private? Of course I'm going to be private about some things, most everyone is.

But Palagrans words, bless his soul, move me once again. Is Pala more right than I originally agreed? It's difficult to know who I am most of the time beyond the generally friendly and agreeable personality I show.

At home though, I'm pretty lazy beyond doing the regular cleaning, cooking, and stuff that people do. I can be cranky, annoying, negative, and yell and argue. These are the sides of me that only my family witnesses. Now, over the years, I've come to accept that most people are pretty much the same in that department. Negativity and problems are at home and with family, positivity and success are outside of the home. Through some thinking, I have had to ask myself this question, "Is that really healthy at all?"

It's human nature to expell problems and create conflict at home naturally, it's the place of winding down and letting out hindered emotions and thoughts... often times at the expense of those we most care about.

I think moving out will be great for me... I will be acreditted lots of experience of being on my own, being my own motivation, et cetera. I can be lazy on my own, but I have noticed a few major improvements when I'm on my own versus living at home.

1) I motivate myself and take care of myself with only a bit of hesitation.
2) I'm more responsible about things I have to practice and do.
3) I have a generally happier attitude.

I have mentioned to myself many times about getting out more, because I've noticed being at home is a negative influence often for me. I love Vicky to death, but her tempers, demands, and accusatory nature all get to me after awhile, and it frusterates me how my parents approach these issues carefully and cautiously with some action over a long duration of time. It frusterates me even more how I know that they are doing this the best they can, and for good reasons as well. (The saying, "Nothing is more upsetting than a good example," comes to mind.) The other negative influences come form my father, I'm always having trouble loving and truly bein proud of him. He is so interested in my life and inquisitive about me. For the longest time I've always just wanted him out of it all, a horrible outlook. I suppose it could be from the constant yelling and hurting things he had said to me as a child, and now that Vicky is in her childhood and can fight back and scream and shout, it hurts me even more to watch him go easy on her.

My mother, though I'm a little embarassed of her for a few things (insignificant) and have trouble digesting the fact that I think she will have the biggest problem with my homosexuality is on my mind. (Both of my parents have problems with it.) However, she is a more positive force than my father, and is more like a close friend to me than a mom. Sure, she does the mother stuff, but sh discusses it with me and includes me in decision-making and gets me involved. She doesn't usually just "do it for me".

But because she dedicates herself to the problems that I am trying to avoid and get away from in our family, there is that wal between us that makes our relationship more like friends and less like family. I think that is what has been making it easy to get along with her, because I can now be on the outside looking in, instead of on the inside with her.

The only negative influence is my family's body habits. We eat a lot, we are very overweight. I want to beat this, but I have a feeling that I will overcome it after I'm on my own, because their influence is gone. (considering how little time I have left, too.)

This arguement is not new, but my mother feels as if Adrienne (my older sister) hates our family, or at least the parents, and that is why she wants to be with Vince's family all the time, and spends very little with us. We don't even get to see her for Christmas this year, just Thanksgiving, which is tomorrow.

Anyways... Adrienne had a much much much more difficult time with our parents than I did. And my sister was more experimental, independent, and less of a follower than mself, all of these plus her more "questionable" activities and nightlife were all factors leading to her troubles with my parents. Not to mention the biggest expectations and burdens always rest first on the oldest/first child. (I'm at very high expectations right now, however, mainly because I am the more intelligent of all three of us siblings, and very well behaved.)

My point is, that Adrienne may have broken away from the family center (that being our parents and their home) because it did the same thing to her as I may be feeling. The negative influence of our parents.

Is this influence just in my mind perhaps? I won't know for sure until I live without their influence.

October 30th, 2006

Sihnnik Speaks Up

The Real Cat
It's been awhile since Sihnnik has spoken, but here he feels need.

The internets contacts I have been establishing have been kind of cutting me through and through as of late. The ones I care about seems busy or like I'm more of a bother. This could be paranoia, but it doesn't with this.

Some other contacts are getting me into things that I must admit, I don't want to be a part of. (Nothing severe or anything, but definitely something I want to get out of.) Not to mention several are giving me ill feelings, and some of them are rubbing me the wrong way without even knowing it.

It's based on only about 3 to 5 contacts, but besides them, I've been gaining and gaining weight lately, too. I need to try and turn some things around. Besides the fact that I'm moving out in about two months, I also have to establish good habits. This includes my eating habits as well as organization. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have just stayed interested in videogames. You can pause those or save the game and play it later. You cannot put off chatting very easily without missing it.

And, Kebbe pointed out that I am addicted to blogging. Constantly checking my journal and friends' journals even when I'm not posting or commenting. I'm going to try and get involved in college, maybe even as much as I can.

I need distractions and things that make me feel "important" and "busy" to promote healthy habits and rid myself of this internet need. I won't forget about my online contacts, but the ones that really mean something and matter will be able to cope easy with it, and I'll find ways to stay in touch with them.

Concert Choir, Flute/Voice Lessons, On-Campus Job, look into Student Government, and possibly go work out every day to every other day. These are my definite ideas for now on what I can do. I can also spend more time writing, primarily short stories, poetry, and lyrics. There is also music creation and submersion, though my focus should be on submersion. I can also try to self-teach myself gaelic, arabic, or something like that.

It is a matter of dedicating myself to improving myself more than dedicating myself to doing something. I don't have problems finding things to do. I have problems doing things that are beneficial with consistency.

Anyways, I've addressed the problem, and will continue to think about it throughout the week and this weekend when I go to Marshall to register for my classes that will begin in January.

September 25th, 2006


The Real Cat
I have the Elecktra Complex... or something very similar.

Last night, all it took was that one more dream about it, and a little thought today to realize it.

Sexual images of my father appear to me now and then in my dreams, and I admit I have found myself unwillingly attracted to him on occassion in the past.

I don't know what to do, except hope that I can find a man someday that will erase and remove all of that attraction, and will love me two hundred times more than my father ever did.

August 29th, 2006

The Truth of Sihnnik

The Real Cat
sihnnik_uhll is distressed.
If it's not one thing, it's another. Your life is a pitiful wreck, and it's all you ever write about. Why don't you at least make up a happy story for once. Your friends would appreciate that.
wanna know your lj's moodring color? enter your user name and hit the button. (discussion thread)


July 29th, 2006

I had wanted to...

The Real Cat
I had been thinking about posting here lately (it's been a very long time since I have) and I should definitely post more and keep updates.

Maybe Sihnnik is trying to hush himself for awhile.

It seems the first person aside from Indigo and Sihnnik, has entered into this journal. I welcome whomever it is, I am fairly certain he is male, and I have an idea of whom he is.

I apologize in advance if anything scared him or hurt him. He has to notice that the last post was an old one, and I harbor no ill feelings towards anyone. And that if he is who I believe him to be, that I still love him a lot.

But these thoughts and feelings as described by Sihnnik, must be released somewhere.

So, I shall begin with the most recent one.

His name is Travis, and I love him.

The feelings are still boggled up and confusing now, but I know that there is love in the mix of all of them. I just hope that this time, things don't go wrong. Or at least, if it must end, that it doesn't turn bitter like before.

I love him.

June 25th, 2006

It's been awhile...

The Real Cat
But this is big!

Again, I'm feeling shut out in way, because all of my online friends (and a few real life ones, too) all have dedicated lovers. The friends I really respect, too.

I'm getting that creepy feeling, where I want something that others have so much, that I feel insanely drawn to not have it, because it's too common.

Scarey, huh?

I would put a whole long drawn out post about it, but since this is Sihnnik talking, and not Indigo, it's much easier and quicker here, because I don't have to explain any reasoning. I usually just know/feel why.

I want to talk to someone about this, but it is late.

Oh yeah, Alosar decided to show up again...

...and he's one of the main reasons I'm pissed off about lovers. He totally had kept it to himself that he had one! I know all I had to do was ask, but I just want to punch something right now.

That's NOT something you don't tell people like friends or people you meet personally! I am sorry, but this royally stabs me in the back!

In a sense, it makes me feel awful, that I have this rage right now, when Palagran needs me a lot, and probably would love to have me as his own.

I will calm down in awhile for sure.

It's just... I have lots to learn about Alosar, the sort of enemy of Pala.

June 3rd, 2006

More worries.

The Real Cat
As I continue to be close to Pala... I keep getting reminded of that one thought that never quite leaves...

...forget about it, you are destined to be alone, you are SUPPOSED to be alone...

And then I go on to think upon what I could be instead, destined for. Perhaps a great sacrifice... or maybe I am just supposed to simply be a healer. Healers have no time for love... and don't do very well with it, either. Also, it takes away from what they are supposed to do... and that is quite simply, to heal.

Instead... they end up wasting energy healing themselves, instead of focusing on others.

And yet, I still want love it seems. Why? I'm not necessarily supposed to have it.

I am just glad that these thoughts can be shared here, and are safe from view. I would like someone to find it... but upon abuse of knowledge of this journal specifically, it shall go into a private state until the intruder leaves.

Abuse includes anything that disrupts internal harmony within the body of which I, Sihnnik, and Indigo possess.

It may include exceptions or more. But one thing is for certain, others finding out about this journal and finding it will more than likely pollute it and destroy the purity it needs to keep doing what it does. And that, is allowing us to talk about and discuss problems we know would recieve a response that would not be in harmony within us. It's a hard feeling to describe really.

I guess overall... I just pray that somehow Palagran gets through his situation. Seeing how much he really does loves Corin makes me ferociously furious at myself in a way. Thinking for any second that I could be something I'm not. And yet, I still want to be.

He is trying to have love and have it well.

I need to get my head out of the clouds and start concentrating on what I need to learn.

How to be alone, and be happy about it and be happy because of it.

In a way, I am glad he hates my music... it gives me a slap in the face to make me remember... "Oh yeah... I can't be that..."

I want to tell him these things so much... but I don't know. He'd probably make me feel all better and stuff. But then what? Things would be different... and I'd lose another friend.

I don't want that.

May 31st, 2006

Life again, haha.

The Real Cat
Things are still feeling kind cold between myself and Pala.

I just hope this isn't becoming a Daniel Ong thing or a Geoff/Aaron thing again.

Maybe these situations are teaching my heart to settle down. Though it just turns into pain, I know the pain is best.

I keep thinking I'll find love, but something keeps telling me no, could this be Indigo? Or is it perhaps me, Sihnnik? Or is it someone else?

Perhaps one day my heart will still, and love will be unnecessary.

All of this is online, I know. But I tend to believe that online personalities tend to reach deeper than physical personalities.

I have so much to do in my life... love might just hinder it. It could help, but love can make a person lazy, and I know that I am no exception.

Sometimes I think of an escape, and see myself as female. Whether that is truly an escape or not is beyond my comprehension.

So many thoughts that I thought I had resolved run back into my head. I can't even list the main ones here.

Sometimes I wish I could fly away. Just leave. Maybe never to return.

I enjoy enclosed spaces, many times private. I know hiding and sheltering myself is my way of protection. I don't want to be hurt.

Why I am like that I shall never know. How come I am so afraid? What caused me to be so emotionally disturbed inside to hide away?

I feel pushed away to a degree now... and by Pala of all people. Just through the most suttle of words. Maybe I should be heeding those words, and maybe not.

I'm not that cheery on the inside as much as I'd like to be. Where is the dagger of death? Why hasn't it plunged into me? I feel as if hope is a bad thing many times. I want to call this depression, but I just don't know.

It seems within holding secrets, I feel safe. This journal is no exception. Through every tiny tiny little slight to me, a little wound grows a little little bit bigger. It's when I run away that I fear the wound being seen.

I fear the wound being seen.

Why is that? Why don't I want to appear hurt?

I guess I see it and believe it is weakness. And it drives people away. I'm too happy, jolly, and nice to be hurt? I don't know what goes through my head. Why do I hide it?

I am very needy, is all I can think of. And I know it isn't fair to others for me to be hurt all of the time. So, I learned long ago, to take care of my own pain.

But with it, many other things have been hidden from others. Such as deeper emotions, deeper feelings and desires of others, and even simple thoughts. I hold from others a lot.

Sometimes I am glad of this, and other times I am not.

But one thing is for certain...

...if I am ever to find love, it won't be for many years.

May 30th, 2006


The Real Cat
It seems emotions continue to rile me in reference to those I want to be close to.

Just last night P-gran got offline, and they went all freaky on me. I kept chanting, why can't I get close to anyone, why doesn't anyone want me around?

I guess I want to be closer, but can't get closer. Or maybe it was just a bad night to hope for it?

I still cannot decide what my adult 20's will be like.

I have yet to cross that line.

It's hard to say just what Indigo and myself have inside. What are we truly wanting and feeling?

When Palagran talks of his relationship, it doesn't in what context or how it is going. It doesn't even matter if it is going poorly or greatly.

He basically told me this, "If I pretend that he wants a relationship" and things like if he doesn't be close to him at all, things are all right.

And then he proceeded to tell me that it might just be in his head that he doesn't like it!

The way he wants his love to go... I was so awestruck because it is just how I see it. Well, maybe not specifically, but the idea and concept is the same.

And now he talks as if he was wrong. I don't want to call this "growing up" or "maturing" because I think what he wanted before was beautiful. But now it seems like he just wants a relationship, and will do anything to make sure he has one, even deny what he wants.

Perhaps it is not quite like that... but somehow it still got to me.

It makes me feel like there is no chance for me.

May 23rd, 2006

End of the year...

The Real Cat
I finally told someone about project: sihnnik vs. indigo.

I haven't shown her the journal though.

Thank god I didn't go that far.

I have a lot to think about... my childhood is coming to a halting end for one thing.

In roughly 8 months... all I have known is gone.

Maybe not quite like that, but I will no longer be one with where and what I was.

I will be 18 in October to begin with, and I will be living in Minnesota in January, 07.

I wish Palagran was here to talk to. But I have to remember, he has more important things to worry about, and further more, I am definitely not of major priority. If something should happen to me, it affects him little to none.

At least he won't be affect in the "real" world. Mentally and emotionally... that's another story. I wouldn't want him to feel obligated, sad, or upset... but at the same time, I want him to be.

Regardless, if he is thinking of me, (oh I hope), maybe there is something between us. If not... then I hope that he forgets me without pain. He has had enough of that in his life, and I truly do care for him, so of course I don't want to inflict more pain to him... no matter how much indigo is hurting or feeling lonely.

Sometimes I don't understand Indigo. And sometimes, I , Sihnnik, don't understand him. It's a difficult thing to go through.

I've been hinting to others that I don't see myself really out in the social-party of the world over this summer. And if I ever get upset by that fact, I have flute, piano, poetry, music, singing, and work to occupy myself.

Last night I made the theory that I want to have someone get into my mind and understand everything about me.

But I don't know if that is possible. Can someone really understand another's mind?

It's a scary thought and a hopeful one.

In my old age, should I reach it, I wonder if I will have achieved such things as understanding, love, faith, peace, contentment, wealth, skill, lost virginity (LOL), and others. And also, would I be thinking of the same things I do now, or different ones?

It's a strange strange land, my mind.
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